Episode 10 – Moving Beyond the “Participation Trophy”: How to Build Real Grit and Self-Worth

Every few years, the phrase participation trophy comes back into the conversation. It usually carries frustration, eye rolls, and worry about whether kids are learning grit or becoming entitled and fragile.

But the real issue is not the trophies. The real issue is whether kids are still allowed to belong when they are not the best, and whether adults are willing to keep investing in them.

Today, we're talking about how to build real grit and confidence in a way that actually lasts. Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl,

a school psychologist and parent coach, and every episode blends psychology, empathy and practical tools to support you in raising kids who feel secure, confident and capable, all while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supportive parents. This is raise strong.

When people talk about participation trophies, what they are really talking about is fear. Fear that kids are not learning resilience. Fear that they will not be able to handle disappointment. Fear that the effort no longer matters.

Those fears are understandable. Parents want their kids to be capable.

They want them to be able to push through the hard things and believe in themselves when life does not hand them a win. But here's where the conversation often goes off track.

We get stuck arguing about the trophy itself instead of asking the much more important question, what are kids actually learning about effort, failure and belonging along the way, I want to point out something that we rarely Adults normalize participation for themselves all the time. Adults run races and receive medals for finishing, not winning. Adults join recreation leagues where the goal is movement, connection and enjoyment.

Adults celebrate showing up, training, and completing something hard, even if they place last. We don't see this as entitlement. We see it as healthy.

We understand that effort, consistency and completion have value, even if someone is not the best. But somewhere along the way, we stop offering kids the same grace.

In youth sports especially, kids are often sorted, ranked and filtered out very early. At a certain point, the message becomes clear. You either compete at a high level or you quietly step aside. This is where the real problem begins.

Not with trophies, but with access. When kids are funneled out of sports clubs or activities because they are not deemed good enough, they are not just losing a game.

They are losing a place to belong, a place to grow, and a place to struggle safely. And here's something important to name most Kids don't quit because they hate effort. They quit because adults stop investing in them.

They sense when they are no longer wanted. They feel when the attention shifts elsewhere. They notice when Mistakes are tolerated less, and expectations become conditional.

That quiet withdrawal happens most often around early adolescence, right when kids are forming the sense of identity and worth. When belonging disappears, confidence erodes. And when confidence erodes, grit does not magically appear. It shuts down.

So if we're serious about building grit, we have to ask ourselves a different set of questions. Are kids allowed to stay engaged even when they struggle? Are they giving feedback without humiliation?

Are there spaces where efforts still matter even when performance is average? Grit is not built by constant winning. It's built by staying in the game long enough to learn that you can handle hard things.

And that only happens when adults are willing to keep showing up, even when a child is not exceptional.

In the next segment, I want to talk about what sports and structured activities are actually supposed to give kids, beyond trophies or titles, and why those benefits matter so much for mental health and self worth. When we strip away trophies, rankings and scoreboards, it helps to ask a simple what are sports actually for?

At their best, sports are not about winning. They're about belonging, movement, connection, and growth.

For kids, sports are one of the few structured places where they get to experience healthy struggle. Their bodies learn how to work hard. Their brains learn how to tolerate frustration.

Their nervous system learns how to regulate through effort and recovery. This is especially important for mental health. Physical movement helps regulate stress hormones.

The team environment gives kids a sense of identity and connection. Coaches can become powerful mentors. Teammates can become a safe social group.

These experiences build confidence not because a child is told they're great, but because they feel themselves getting stronger, learning new skills and contributing to something bigger than themselves. That is how self worth develops. It comes from capability, not applause.

When kids are allowed to stay in sports, even when they are not the best, they learn something crucial. They learn that effort matters. They learn that they can struggle without being rejected. They learn that growth takes time.

But when access to sports becomes conditional on performance, a different lesson gets taught. Kids begin to believe that their value is tied to how well they perform. They learn that mistakes are dangerous.

They learn that being average is not acceptable. This is where we see the mental health consequences start to show up. Anxiety increases. Perfectionism creeps in.

Kids either push themselves relentlessly or quietly disengage to avoid the risk of failure. And this is why so many kids disappear from sports around the age of 13. It's not because they suddenly stop liking movement or teamwork.

It's because the environment stops feeling safe enough to stay.

When there are no true recreational leagues, no low pressure spaces, no room for Development Outside the elite competition, kids are forced into a false choice. Be exceptional or bow out. That choice is not developmentally healthy. Adolescence is a time of uneven growth.

Bodies change, confidences wobble, skill fluctuates. Kids need more support during this phase, not fewer places to belong. If we want kids to build grit, we have to let them stay in the process.

Grit is built by showing up again and again, especially when things are uncomfortable. And that only happens when kids are still wanted, still supported, and still worth investing in.

In this next segment, I want to talk about why self worth becomes so fragile when participation turns conditional. And what actually helps kids develop confidence that it does not fall apart under pressure.

One of the most harmful messages kids can absorb is your worth depends on how well you perform.

Most adults will never say that out loud, but kids feel it when opportunities disappear, when attention shifts, and when belonging becomes conditional. When a child senses that they're valued only when they win, improve quickly, or meet a certain standard, something important happens internally.

Their nervous system stays on high alert. They become preoccupied with not messing up. This is where grit starts to get confused with pressure.

True grit is the ability to stay engaged when something is hard. Pressure is the fear that failure will cost you your place. Those two experiences feel very different in the body.

When worth becomes conditional, kids often respond in one of two ways. Some kids push relentlessly. They become perfectionists, anxious and self critical.

They equate effort with approval and struggle with rest or enjoyment. Other kids go quiet. They disengage. They stop trying, not because they lack grit, but because withdrawing feels safer than failing publicly.

Both responses are understandable. Both come from the same fear of losing belonging.

This is why mental health concerns often rise in early adolescence, especially for kids who were once highly engaged. The pressure to perform collides with identity development. Kids start asking, who am I if I'm not good at this?

When there are no spaces to continue participating at a lower intensity, kids lose the opportunity to develop resilience gradually. Grit does not develop through constant evaluation. It develops through supported struggle.

In healthy environments, kids learn that mistakes are part of growth. That effort is noticed, that progress matters more than speed, that they can take breaks without being discarded.

That is how self worth becomes internal. Not because a kid is told that they are special, but because.

But because they have lived experiences that say, I can try, I can fail, and I still belong. This is why the participation trophy debate misses the deeper issue. The problem is not that kids receive recognition.

The problem is when recognition is the only thing standing between them and rejection. When adults Continue to invest in kids through uneven performance, slow development or average ability, something powerful happens.

Kids learn that struggle does not equal shame. They learn that growth is possible. They learn that effort is safe. That is the soil where grit actually grows.

In the next segment, I want to talk about what adults can do differently. How parents, coaches and communities can create environments that build real grit and self worth without lowering standards or removing challenge.

So if grit is not built through pressure or conditional belonging, what actually helps kids develop it? Grit grows in environments where effort is supported, struggle is normalized, and adults stay invested even when the progress is slow.

The first ingredient is supported struggle. Kids need challenges. They need discomfort. They need moments where things don't come easily.

But they also need adults who stay close during those moments. Not to rescue them, but to remind them that they are capable, supported. Struggle sounds like I see this is hard and I know you can keep going.

It's okay to feel frustrated. Let's figure out the next step. You do not have to be the best at this to stay in it. This kind of support teaches kids that effort is not dangerous.

It teaches them that they can tolerate discomfort without losing connection. The second ingredient is meaningful feedback. Instead of empty praise, telling a child they are amazing every time does not build grit.

Helping them understand what they are improving does. Feedback that builds confidence focuses on process. What did you work on? What felt hard? What changed because you practiced?

This helps kids link effort to growth rather than performance to worth. The third ingredient is time and patience. Grit is not something kids either have or do not have. It develops unevenly, especially during adolescence.

Bodies change, motivation dips and confidence wobbles. When adults expect linear progress, kids feel pressure. When adults expect ups and downs, kids feel safe to stay engaged.

The fourth ingredient is place to belong, that they are not elite. Kids need spaces where participation does not require exceptional talent.

Recreational leagues, clubs and teams that value inclusion give kids room to grow without fear of being cut. Belonging is not a reward for performance. It's a prerequisite for resilience.

The fifth ingredient is adults who model a healthy relationship with effort. Kids watch how we talk about our own struggles. They notice when we quit, when things are hard, or stay engaged with compassion for ourselves.

When adults normalize effort, rest and persistence, kids internalize those patterns. I want to be clear about something important. Because grit does not mean lowering standards. It means widening the path to reach them.

High expectations paired with high support create capable, confident kids. When kids believe they are worth investing in, even when they are not excelling, they keep showing up. And each time they show up. Grit quietly builds.

I want to pause here and talk directly about mental health. I want to pause here and talk directly about mental health. Because the conversation is not theoretical.

It shows up in kids bodies, their movements and their sense of self every single day.

Right now, about 1 in 5 adolescents in the United States has a diagnosed mental or behavioral health condition, including anxiety, depression or conduct related concerns. And that number has increased by more than 35% in just the last seven years.

This includes a 61% increase in anxiety diagnosis and a 45% increase in depression diagnosis during the same period. So when we talk about grit, self worth and belonging, what we are talking about is something urgent.

When kids lose places to belong, it does not just affect their confidence, it affects their nervous system. For a lot of kids, sports and structured activities are one of the primary ways they regulate stress. Movement helps discharge anxiety.

Routine creates predictability. Team offers connection coaching often become trusted adults outside of the family.

When those spaces disappear, kids do not just lose an activity, they lose a coping strategy. And we are seeing the impact of that loss everywhere. What we often see instead is a quiet shift. Kids become more withdrawn.

They spend more time alone or on screens. They stop trying new things. They avoid situations that might feel judged or exposed. This is not laziness. This is self protection.

The data supports this.

Adolescents with mental health challenges are three times more likely to be disengaged from school, twice as likely to experience bullying, and 10 times more likely to report difficulty making and keeping friends. Those are not behavior problems. Those are connection problems.

When participation becomes conditional, kids internalize a powerful if I'm not good enough, I do not belong. And that belief is deeply tied to anxiety, depression and low self worth. In my work, I see this most clearly in early adolescence.

This is a developmental window where kids are already questioning who they are and where they fit in. Their brains are more sensitive to social rejection. Their bodies are changing and their confidence is fragile.

This is also the exact age when many kids are funneled out of sports and activities, not because they choose to leave, but because there is no longer a place for them. That loss lands harder than adults often realize. It tells kids that struggle is a liability, that being average is a failure.

That effort is only valuable if it leads to success. And when kids start to believe that, their mental health takes a hit, some kids respond with anxiety and perfectionism.

They push themselves relentlessly, terrified of losing approval. Others disengage entirely. They stop trying in order to avoid the pain of rejection. Both are survival strategies.

Neither build grit, healthy grit Grows when kids feel emotionally safe enough to stay engaged. When they know mistakes will not cost them belonging. When adults continue to invest in them even when progress is slow or uneven.

This is why mental health and grit are not separate conversations. You cannot build resilience in environments that feel rejecting. You cannot expect kids to tolerate discomfort if that discomfort comes from shame.

When we protect kids mental health, we are not coddling them. We are giving them a foundation. They need to take risks, persist and grow. And this is where adults have tremendous power.

Not by lowering expectations, but by widening access. By staying curious instead of dismissive. By creating spaces where kids can keep showing up.

In this next part of the episode, I will help you reflect on what this looks like in your own family and community and give you one small way to start supporting real grit and self worth right where you are. So if grit does not come from pressure, exclusion, or constant comparison, where does it actually come from?

Grit grows when kids learn that effort matters even when outcomes are uncertain. When they experience struggle without shame. When they are allowed to stay in the game long enough to learn who they are, not just how they perform.

This is where I want to gently challenge how we often talk about grit. We tend to treat grit like something kids either have or do not have. Like it is a personality trait.

But grit is not something you demand from a child. It's something that develops in the presence of support. Think about moments in your own life when you stuck with something hard.

Chances are someone believed in you. Someone gave you room to struggle without withdrawing their investment. Someone stayed. That is what builds grit.

When kids feel secure in their own worth, they are more willing to take risks. They try again after failing. They tolerate discomfort. They stay engaged even when things are not going well.

That is very different from pushing through out of fear or disappointing someone or being cut off. Real grit is not about grinding harder. It's about staying connected to yourself and others while things are hard and real.

Self worth is not built by constant praise or constant pressure. It is built when kids know that they matter regardless of performance. This is why belonging comes first.

When kids belong, effort becomes meaningful instead of threatening. Mistakes become informational instead of evidence that they are not good enough.

Persistence becomes possible because the cost of failure is not rejection. So when we move beyond the participation trophy debate, what we are really talking about is this.

Are we raising kids who are safe enough to keep showing up? Because the kids who stay engaged, who keep trying, who develop real grit over time, are not the ones who are protected from discomfort.

They are the ones who are protected from shame in the final part of today's episode, I want to help you reflect on what this looks like in your own world and give you one practical way to start creating more spaces for grit and self worth to grow. As we wrap up today, I want to invite you into reflection, not judgment. This conversation is not about doing parenting perfectly.

It's about noticing where kids are being asked to perform for belonging and where we can soften that message. I want to take a moment and think about your own child or the kids you care about. Where do they feel free to try, fail and try again?

Where do they feel pressure to prove themselves and where might they quietly be opting out because it feels safer not to try at all? These are not easy questions, but they matter. For this week, I want to offer one small, powerful practice Notice effort without tying it to outcome.

When your child shows up, sticks with something, or finishes something hard, try reflecting the process instead of the results. You might say, I saw how you kept going even when that was frustrating. You finished even though it did not go the way you wanted.

I'm glad you showed up today. Those messages tell your child you belong here even when things are hard.

If your child has stepped away from any activity or lost interest in something they once loved, this is a chance to get curious instead of corrective. You might say, I noticed you stopped going. I'm wondering what that was like for you not to push them back in.

Just let them know that you're still interested in their experience. Moving beyond the participation trophy conversation does not mean lowering expectations.

It means raising kids in environments where effort, growth and belonging can coexist. Real grit is built when kids feel safe enough to stay engaged.

Real self worth grows when they know that value is not conditional on winning, and that is something adults can help create every single day. If this episode resonated with you, I would love for you to like subscribe or leave a review for the podcast. Subscribe.

It helps more families find these conversations and next week on Race Strong, we're getting very practical with episode called what to say.

Instead of hurry up even when you're already late, we'll talk about why time pressure escalates the kids so quickly and the simple language shifts that help mornings and transitions go more smoothly. Thank you for being here. Thank you for caring about how your kids grow, not just how they perform. Thanks for listening to Race Strong.

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