Episode 11 – What to Say Instead of “Hurry Up” (When You’re Already Late)

There's a phrase that slips out almost every parent's mouth at some point. Hurry up.

It usually comes when you're already running late, shoes aren't on, someone can't find their backpack, breakfast is half eaten, and your stress is climbing by the second. You don't mean to sound sharp. You just need things to move faster. But here's the problem.

The more you say hurry up, the slower everything seems to get. Your child freezes, they melt down, or they dig their heels in, and suddenly the moment becomes about emotions instead of time.

Today we're talking about why Hurry up backfires so often, what's actually happening in your child's brain when the time pressure hits, and what to say instead when you're already late but still want to stay connected. Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl a school psychologist and parent coach, and every episode blends psychology, empathy and practical tools to support you in raising kids who feel secure, confident, and capable, all while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supported parents, this is Raise Strong.

I want to start today with a story I think almost every parent will recognize in some form. A parent I once worked with told me about their mornings before school.

They said, I feel like I turn into someone I don't even recognize before 8am Their child wasn't refusing to get ready. They weren't being defiant. But every morning felt slow. Shoes went on and off. The backpack was packed and unpacked.

A meltdown would start over, something small, like a zipper getting stuck or not finding the right socks. And the parent did what most of us do when time starts slipping away. They said, hurry up. Then they said it louder, then sharper.

What they noticed was the more urgent they became, the more the child unraveled. The child would freeze or cry or suddenly forget how to do things they'd done a hundred times before.

And the parent felt stuck between panic and frustration, thinking, we are going to be late and I don't know how to fix this. Eventually, the parent told me something that really stuck with me. They said, it feels like my stress jumps into my kid's body.

And that's exactly what was happening. What looked like a time management issue was actually a nervous system issue.

The moment parent's voice shifted into urgency, the child's body read that as danger. Not logical danger, emotional danger. The child wasn't thinking, I should move faster.

Their body was thinking, something is wrong and Once the nervous system flips into that state, everything slows down. Fine motor skills get harder. Decision making gets harder. Emotional regulation disappears.

So every hurry up was unintentionally adding pressure to a system that was already overwhelmed. When this parent learned to change what they said, not to remove expectations, but to support regulation first, something shifted.

Mornings didn't become perfect overnight, but they stopped feeling like emotional emergencies. The goal was never to eliminate stress. It was to stop transferring it. And that's what we're going to talk about today.

How to move kids forward without flooding their nervous system. How to support regulation first so cooperation becomes possible.

Because when we understand what's really happening in these moments, we can stop blaming ourselves and our kids and start changing the pattern. To understand why small language changes matter so much in moments like this, we have to talk briefly about the brain and the nervous system.

When adults feel a rush, our brains are better equipped to prioritize, sequence and push through discomfort. We have a more developed prefrontal cortex. We can think. This isn't ideal, but we can manage. Children don't have that same capacity yet.

A child's brain is still developing the systems responsible for time awareness, task initiation, and emotional regulation. So when you add urgency to an already demanding situation, their system gets overloaded.

In those moments, the brain shifts from problem solving to survival. This is where the sympathetic nervous system comes in. It's the part of the nervous system that prepares the body for action.

Heart rate increases, muscles tense, breathing gets shallow, and the body gets ready to respond to threat. And here's the important part. The brain does not distinguish between physical danger and emotional pressure. It reacts the same way.

So when a child hears urgency, sharpness, or a panic in your voice, their nervous system responds as if something is wrong. That's why time pressure often creates the opposite of what we want. Instead of moving faster, kids slow down, freeze, or fall apart.

And this is where language becomes a powerful regulator. Words are not just information. They are cues to the nervous system.

When we say hurry up, even kindly, the underlying message the body hears is, you're behind. You're not doing this right. Something bad will happen if you don't move faster. That message pushes the nervous system further into stress.

But when we shift our language, we shift our signal. The supportive language helps the brain feel safe enough to stay online. Instead of pressure, it communicates partnership.

Instead of urgency, it communicates containment. This doesn't mean removing boundaries or pretending time doesn't matter. It means leading with regulation so the brain can actually cooperate.

This is the difference between top down pressure and bottom up support. Top down pressure says, move faster because I said so. Bottom up support says, I'm here to help your body do something hard.

And the fascinating part is when kids feel supported, they actually move faster. Not because they're scared, but because their nervous system is calm enough to function.

This is why language is one of the most powerful tools we have in transitions. It shapes how the body experiences the moment. So in the next segment, I'm going to give you the specific phrases you can use instead of hurry up.

Language that keeps expectations intact but helps your child stay regulated enough to meet them. These are not scripts to memorize. They're patterns to practice.

And once you hear them, you'll start to notice how a small shift in words can completely change the tone of your mornings. Now let's talk about the words themselves, because when time pressure hits, most parents are not trying to be harsh.

They're trying to keep things moving while holding a lot of responsibility. You're watching the clock. You're thinking about work, school, consequences, expectations.

And your nervous system is already carrying the weight of being an adult in charge. So the goal here is not to shame yourself for saying hurry up.

It's to give you alternatives that work better when your child's nervous system is already under strain. I also want to say this clearly. These are not magic phrases. They're supports.

Think of them like scaffolding you can lean on when your own stress is high.

And because I know it's hard to remember all of this in the moment, I'm putting together a simple cheat sheet with the phrases that you can find in the show notes. First, name the reality without transferring panic.

One of the biggest mistakes we make in rushed moments is letting our internal stress spill directly into our words. When we're anxious, our voice speeds up, our tone tightens, and the urgency leaks out.

Instead of hurry up, we're late, try, we have five minutes left and I'm here to help. That sentence does something really important. It names reality without loading it with panic.

It tells the child, yes, time matters, and you're not alone in this. That combination matters more than we realize. Kids move better when they feel supported, not scrutinized.

When the message is, we're doing this together instead of you're the problem slowing us down. Second, use containment language instead of commands. When kids feel overwhelmed, commands feel like pressure.

Containment language feels like structure. Commands ask the brain to organize itself quickly. Containment helps the brain know where to start.

Instead of put your shoes on right now, try shoes are the next step? I'll sit with you while you do it. That shift tells the nervous system this is manageable.

It narrows the task down to one clear step instead of an entire rushed morning. Containment reduces overwhelm by breaking big moments into smaller, safer pieces. And often, once the body feels settled, momentum follows naturally.

3. Reflect the struggle before redirecting when time is tight, reflections can feel like a luxury. But reflection is often what unlocks movement.

Because reflection tells the nervous system, I see what you're experiencing instead of you're taking forever. Try getting ready. Feels hard this morning. That sentence doesn't excuse the delay. It acknowledges the internal experience.

And when a kid feels seen, their body softens. Soft bodies move. Rigid bodies resist. This is not about overtaking or analyzing feelings.

It's a brief moment of emotional attunement that helps the system reset. 4. Offer anchoring choices to restore agency Time pressure strips kids of agency choices. Give a small piece of it back.

When kids feel trapped, they push back or shut down. When they feel some control, they re engage. Instead of just get moving, try do you want to put your shoes on by the door or by the couch?

Both options still move the process forward. You're not asking whether they want to leave. You're letting them choose how they move toward the goal.

And that choice helps the nervous system feel less cornered. Trapped nervous systems do not cooperate. Supporter ones often do. And 5 use your voice as a regulating tool.

How you say something often matters more than what you say. A slower pace, a softer tone, a grounded posture. These are not just communication tools. They're nervous system signals.

They tell your child's brain you're safe, even though we're moving. Your voice becomes the anchor in that moment. And even if the words aren't perfect, a rushed tone can undo them. So let your body lead first.

What this feels like to your child. From the child's perspective, these shifts change everything. Instead of feeling rushed, they feel guided.

Instead of feeling behind, they feel accompanied. They're still expected to move forward, but they're not carrying the emotional weight of the timeline alone.

And that's when cooperation becomes possible. A general reminder for if none of this works perfectly in the moment, that doesn't mean you failed. Mornings are hard. Transitions are hard.

Parenting under pressure is hard. The goal is not perfection. It's practice.

Every time you replace hurry up with something more supportive, you're teaching your child how to move through stress without panic. And you're teaching yourself the same thing.

Before we wrap up, I want to talk about a few common Traps that almost every parent falls into during rushed moments. Not because we don't care, but because stress narrows our thinking. Trap number one is repeating yourself louder.

One of the most common patterns is repeating the same instructions with more volume or intensity. We say, shoes on, then louder. Shoes on, then sharper. I said shoes on. But repetition with intensity does not create clarity. It creates threat.

The child's nervous system hears escalation, not instruction. And when the body feels threatened, the brain goes offline. Trap number two is stacking commands.

When we're stressed, we tend to stack multiple instructions at once. Put your shoes on, grab your backpack, finish your breakfast, and get in the car. That's too much for a stressed nervous system to process.

The brain doesn't hear plan. It hears overwhelm. One step at a time works better even when you're late. Trap 3 is using time as weapon. This one is subtle but powerful.

If you don't hurry up, we're gonna be late. Now we're late because of you.

Even when said calmly, this language loads responsibility and shame onto the child who doesn't yet have full control over time. Shame never speeds anything up. It slows them down. Trap number four is rushing the body before it's ready.

When kids are emotionally dysregulated, their bodies move slower, trying to physically rush them. Pulling on clothes, grabbing arms, or hovering often escalates the situation. The body experiences that as loss of control support regulation.

First movement follows. And trap five, forgetting to repair after the rush. Rush moments often end abruptly. You get out the door, you get to school.

Everyone's exhausted, but the emotional residue is still there. Without repair, kids internalize the stress in the moment as something they caused. A simple repair later matters. Mornings are hard. I got stressed.

We'll keep practicing this together. That repair teaches your child that stress does not equal disconnection. The goal in rushed moments is not to eliminate stress.

It's to prevent stress from turning into fear or shame. When we notice these traps, we give ourselves a chance to choose differently next time. And that choice changes everything.

As we close today, I want to give you one small practice to carry into the week. Not something that requires a full routine change, just a simple shift you can try the next time you are feeling yourself wanting to say, hurry up.

This week, pick one transition that tends to feel rushed. Mornings, leaving the house, bedtime, getting out the door to practice.

When you feel that familiar urge to say, hurry up, pause for just a second and replace it with one of these. I'm here to help you. We have a few minutes. Lets talk about this one step at a time. I see you're stuck. Let's do the next step together.

You're still holding the boundary. You're still moving forward. You're just leading with regulation instead of pressure. And if you catch yourself saying hurry up, that's okay too.

Awareness is a part of the work. A gentle reminder is that mornings and transitions are hard because they ask a lot of everyone's nervous system at once.

You're not failing because they feel messy. You're building skills slowly, repeatedly, each time you choose support over urgency.

You're teaching your child how to move through stress without panic. And you're teaching yourself the same thing. If this episode is helpful, I'd love for you to like, subscribe or leave a review for the podcast.

It helps more families find these conversations. And next week on Raise Strong, we're talking about something many parents carry quietly the guilt trap.

How to give yourself grace after a hard parenting moment. We'll explore why guilt shows up so strongly in parents and how to move through it without shame. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for showing up for your child even when time feels tight. Thanks for listening to Raise Strong. If today's episode helped you see parenting in a new light, share it with a friend or leave a quick review.

It helps other parents find the support they need, too. For more tools and resources, visit raisestrongpodcast.Com. Remember, calm and connection are built one moment at a time. You've got this.