Episode 3 – Why Yelling Doesn’t Work And What Actually Does

If yelling worked, you'd only have to do it once. But it doesn't, and you already know that. Still, when your child pushes your buttons, you don't decide to yell. You react.

In a split second, your heart's pounding, your chest is tight, and the words you swore you'd never say come flying out anyway. Then it hits the guilt, the shame, and that quiet thought every parent knows why can't I just stay calm?

Today we'll uncover what's really happening inside your body when you yell and how to tap into your vagal tone to shift from reactive to regulated. Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl, a school psychologist and parent coach, and every episode blends psychology, empathy, and practical tools to support you in raising kids who feel secure, confident, and capable, all while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supported parents. This is Raised strong. So why doesn't yelling work? Because yelling isn't a parenting strategy.

It's a nervous system reaction. It's your body's built in alarm, saying something's not safe.

When your child screams, ignores you, or throws something across the room, your brain doesn't process that as frustration. It registers it as a threat.

The same system that's designed to keep you alive, your sympathetic nervous system, floods your body with stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Your heart races, your breathing gets shallow, and your muscles tense. And your brain, in that moment, goes into what we call survival mode.

So what happens in your body when you yell? The part of your brain responsible for logic and reasoning, the prefrontal cortex, goes temporarily offline.

The part of your brain responsible for survival, the amygdala, takes over. So when you're yelling, you're not calmly deciding to. Your body is reacting faster than your conscious mind can catch up.

From a neurological standpoint, this makes perfect sense. When your body perceives danger, it prioritizes survival over connection. That's great if you're facing a tiger.

Not so great when you're facing a toddler. You can probably feel this happening. Your heart pounds, your chest tightens, your face gets hot. You're flooded.

And afterwards, when you think, why did I yell? It's because your body hijacked your response before your thinking break could get back online.

The reason calm feels so hard in these moments is because your parasympathetic nervous system, the system designed to bring you back to rest, has shut down. When you're upset, your Vagus nerve, which runs from your brain stem down through your heart and gut, loses flexibility, or what we call vagal tone.

Vagal tone is basically your body's ability to recover from stress. When your vagal tone is strong, you can calm down quickly. When it's weak or overwhelmed, you stay stuck in that high alert fight or flight state.

And in that state, it's nearly impossible to parent the way you want to. Here's the thing. You can't think your way out of dysregulation. You have to feel your way out through your body.

That's because the vagus nerve carries more messages from your body to your brain than from your brain to your body. So calming down starts from the bottom up. When parents understand this, everything changes. You stop asking, why can't I just control myself?

And instead you start asking, what does my body need right now to feel safe again? That shift from judgment to curiosity is where real regulation begins. And here's where it gets even more important.

When you're in fight or flight mode, your child's nervous system senses it too. Kids are wired to attune to the emotional states of their caregiver. It's how they survive and learn safety.

So when you yell, even if your words are logical, your tone and body language signal danger. Their body reacts. Heart racing, adrenaline pumping. And now you have two nervous systems in survival mode.

Both trying to feel safe and either capable of learning or listening. That's why yelling feels like pouring gasoline on a fire. It doesn't bring control, it escalates chaos. So what actually works?

It starts from building internal safety. Learning to regulate your own body before you try to regulate your child's internal safety doesn't mean ignoring anger or pretending to be calm.

It means noticing your body's cues, understanding what they mean, and practicing ways to return to balance. Every time you pause, breathe deeply or slow your movements before responding, you're sending a signal to your vagus nerve. I'm safe. I can calm down.

Over time, that strengthens your vagal tone, like exercising a muscle. And when that system is strong, your body can move from fight or flight to rest and regulate faster.

This is where we start moving from reaction to reflection, yelling to teaching. Because calm isn't something you find after the storm. It's something you build in the storm, one breath at a time.

Now that we understand what's happening in your body when you yell, let's talk about what actually works instead. Because staying calm when you're triggered isn't about willpower. It's about Knowing how to work with your nervous system, not against it.

When you feel that wave of anger, your jaw tightens, your chest feels heavy and your pulse is racing. Your body is signaling danger, and in that moment, trying to think your way to calm rarely works because your thinking brain isn't fully online yet.

You have to signal safety through your body first. This is what I mean when I say calm starts from the bottom up.

Your body has built in pathways to regulate itself, and most of them run through one powerful nerve, the vagus nerve. It connects your brain, heart, lungs and gut. And it allows your body to switch from fight or flight mode back to rest and digest.

The stronger your vagal tone, the faster you can come back to calm. Here's one of my favorite techniques backed by neuroscience. The physiological sigh.

You take two quick inhales through your nose, one full breath, followed by a short top up inhale, and then a long slow exhale through your mouth. It looks like this.

What this does is release carbon dioxide buildup in your bloodstream, which helps your body shift from stress back into regulation almost immediately. Try that two or three times and you'll feel your body start to settle.

This technique has been studied by researchers at Stanford and used by Navy Seals, athletes and therapists. Because it works quickly and reliably. It's like hitting a reset button in your nervous system.

If you practice it daily, not just during meltdowns, you build familiarity so your body knows exactly what to do when tension rises. Over time, this single breath pattern becomes a bridge back to calm. Another simple but surprisingly powerful tool is cold exposure.

Because your vagus nerves run through your neck and chest, cold water directly stimulates it and activates your parasympathetic system. Your body's calming down circuit.

When you feel your stress rising, splash cold water in your face, hold the cold compression to your neck, or even just run your hands under cold water. You're not punishing yourself, you're reminding your body it's safe to relax.

Cold exposure works because it gives your body a clear sensory signal that interrupts the stress loop. It's a quick reset that moves your nervous system from fight or flight into rest and regulate.

If you build this into your daily routine, maybe a few seconds of cold water at the end of your shower or cold drink when you start to feel warm, you're strengthening the vagal tone over time, training your body to return to safety faster. Now let's talk about something that's actually laughter, humming and singing.

These aren't just light hearted activities, they're direct Ways to regulate your nervous system.

Because your vagus nerve connects to the muscles in your face, throat and vocal cord, these actions create vibrations that stimulate vagal activity and help your body calm down. Singing in the car, humming quietly when you're stressed, or laughing with your kids all activate your body's calming pathways.

What's beautiful about this is that it turns everyday joy into a regulation tool. When you use your voice rhythmically, you create a physical vibration throughout your chest and throat that literally tells your body we're okay.

If humming feels awkward at first, try it in small moments when cooking, folding laundry, or during your drive to work. You'll start to notice your breathing naturally deepen, your shoulders drop and your mind clear all signals that your vagus nerve is doing its job.

Here's one thing that might sound silly, but works incredibly well. Buzz your lips. That brrr sound kids make when pretending to be an airplane. Try that next time you're overwhelmed.

When you buzz your lips, you're creating vibration around your mouth, cheeks and throat areas the vagus nerve passes through. Those vibrations signal to your brain that you're safe and they help your body downshift from fight or flight.

If you try it and find it difficult, that actually is useful information. It means your vagal tone is lower, so your body has a harder time excessing calm. Think of it as a strength building exercise.

The more you practice this, even just once a day, the easier it becomes to calm down when life gets loud. And yes, it might feel silly at first, but honestly, parenting already gives us plenty of practice at looking silly.

Might as well let it serve a purpose. Once your body starts to calm, intentionally reconnect with your breath or even laughter.

Laughter is one of the fastest, most natural ways to reset your parasympathetic nervous system. Because it combines breath, sound and social connection. When you laugh, you're signaling your nervous system that the threat has passed.

It's safe to soften. If laughter feels forced in the moment, that's okay. Start small.

Even smiling, watching a short funny clip or remembering something light hearted can give you a regulating effect. Humor helps us step out of shame and into connection. It reminds both you and your child that even after the storm, joy is still possible.

The goal here isn't to never get triggered. It's to strengthen your recovery time.

Every time you practice one of these techniques, you're building resilience, shortening the distance between chaos and calm. You're retraining your body to believe, I'm safe. I can handle this. And as your vagal tone strengthens your child benefits, too.

They learn what emotional safety looks like, not because you told them, but because you showed them. In this next segment, we'll bring it all together. A recap, a practice challenge for the week, and a quick conversation about repair.

Because yelling will still happen sometimes, but what matters most is what you do next. So as we wrap up today, I want to leave you with Yelling doesn't make you a bad parent. It means you're human.

You have a body that reacts to stress and you care deeply about doing better. But the good news is you can retrain your nervous system to recover faster. You can learn to access calm when your body wants to fight.

And when you do, you're not just changing your reaction. You're changing the emotional climate of your home. Here's a quick recap of what we talked about today.

Yelling doesn't work because it's not a conscious choice. It's a survival response. When you feel triggered, your body interprets your child's behavior as danger since sending you into fight or flight.

That's when your parasympathetic nervous system shuts down and your vagal tone drops, making calm feel impossible.

But by working with your body through breath, cold exposure, laughter, singing and other techniques, you can strengthen your vagal tone and find calm each time you practice. You're teaching your nervous system that stress is survivable and safety is possible. Calm isn't about perfection. It's about recovery.

You don't have to have it right every time. You just have to keep coming back to safety. This week, your challenge is to practice repair.

Because no matter how well you prepare, there will still be moments when you lose your cool. That doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you a human one. The real growth happens in how you show up after those moments.

When you repair, you're showing your child that relationships can handle conflict, that love doesn't disappear when emotions get big, and that mistakes can be mended. It's one of the most powerful lessons you'll ever teach them. And it starts with a few simple words.

Let's imagine a few different ways this could sound. First, there's the calm ownership approach. That sounds like I yelled earlier and that wasn't okay. You didn't deserve that.

I'm sorry for how I spoke to you. I should have taken a break before I talked. I'm going to keep practicing that. This one works well with kids of any age.

It shows ownership without making your child responsible for your emotions. The second one is the reconnection approach. It sounds I got really upset and I said things in a way that probably scared you. That wasn't fair.

I love you so much, even when we're both upset. Can we try again? This style focuses on safety and love. Perfect for children who internalize conflict or withdraw when things get tense.

The third one is collaborative repair. This sounds like we both got frustrated earlier. I was yelling and you were yelling, and that didn't help either of us.

What do you think we could do next time to calm down faster? This one works great for older kids and teens.

It models accountability while giving them a voice in the solution, which helps rebuild trust and cooperation. Here's what's Repair doesn't erase what happened. It rewrites the story. When a parent repairs, the child's nervous system receives a new message.

The person who hurt me also helps me feel safe again. That's how emotional resilience is built. They learn that mistakes don't destroy relationships and that calm and love can return after chaos.

It's a blueprint for every future relationship they'll have. After you repair with your child, repair with yourself. Take a moment to pause and breathe.

Notice what your body felt like before, during, and after yelling. Maybe your jaw was tight, your heart was racing, and your shoulders clenched.

Just notice without judgment, that awareness builds the bridge between your triggers and your calm. If you want to go a step further, write down one small sentence of self compassion.

Something like, I'm learning to calm my body before I react, or I'm building a new pattern. And it will take time because your nervous system needs repair, too. You can't pour calm into your child's world if you're running on shame.

The goal isn't perfection, it's healing. Remember, repair doesn't take away what happened. It adds something stronger. Trust. You're showing your child that love isn't fragile, it's flexible.

And each repair becomes a small act of rewiring for them and for you. If this episode helped you, take a deep breath today, share it with another parent who might need that same reminder.

You never know whose home you might bring a little more peace to, and I'd love to hear your story. Tag me on Instagram @raisestrongpodcast or message me and tell me what helped you stay calm or how you repaired after a tough moment.

Your stories help other parents feel less alone. Next week on Raise Strong, we're taking this one step further.

We'll talk about how to rebuild connection after conflict, even when things feel broken. Because calm is where healing starts. But connection is where it grows. You won't want to miss it. Thanks for listening to Raise Strong.

If today's episode helped you see parenting in a new light, share it with a friend or leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the support they need, too.

For more tools and resources, visit raisestrongpodcast.com Remember, calm and connection are built one moment at a time. You've got this.