Episode 4 – The Science of Praise: Why “Good Job” Isn’t Enough

We all do it. Our child finishes a puzzle or helps clean up, and we say, good job. It's automatic, it's loving, and it feels like the right thing to say.

But what if I told you that some kinds of praise can actually hurt confidence instead of building it? If a good job was all it took to raise confident kids, every kid would believe in themselves.

The truth is, praise isn't always the confidence boost we think it is. Sometimes it makes kids more anxious, more approval driven, and less willing to try.

In today's episode, we'll unpack the surprising science behind praise and how a few small changes in the way you encourage your child can build lasting motivation from the inside out.

Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl, a school psychologist and parent coach. And every episode blends psychology, empathy, and.

Practical tools to support you in raising.

Kids who feel secure, confident, and capable, all while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supportive parents, this is Raise Strong.

A few years ago, I worked with a student named Emma. She was bright, kind, and incredibly capable. The the kind of student who color coded her folders and always tried to do everything perfectly.

But every time she made a mistake, she'd freeze. Her face would flush, her hands would shake, and she'd whisper, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Before she even knew what went wrong.

When I asked her what made mistakes so scary, she said something I won't forget. If I mess up, people will stop saying I'm good at things. That line hit me hard, because I realized she didn't feel confident. She felt performative.

She was working for approval instead of pride. And that's what happens when praise is used as fuel. Kids start chasing it instead of growing from it.

They learn that their worth depends on performance, not effort, not courage, not curiosity, but on how well they impress us. Now, don't get me wrong. Praise comes from love. Parents praise because they want their kids to feel good about themselves.

It's a natural way of saying, I see you. I'm proud of you. But here's the part that most people don't realize how how we praise matters just as much as what we praise.

When you say you're so smart or you're such a good kid, your child's brain lights up with a burst of dopamine, the same chemical released when we win, get likes on social media, or hear someone compliment us at work. Dopamine feels great. It's the brain's way of rewarding success and encouraging us to repeat the behavior.

The problem is dopamine rewards the praise itself, not necessarily the process that led to it. So over time, motivation shifts from I want to learn to I want to be praised.

Kids start looking for external validation the same way adults refresh their email or check their phone. Not because it's meaningful, but because it's reinforcing. You can see this in small ways.

Your child looks for approval after finishing their homework or hesitates to draw unless you are watching. The brain begins to link effort with evaluation instead of curiosity. When praise is too general or too focused on outcomes.

You're so talented, you're the best reader in your class. That's perfect. It trains the brain to believe that success equals worth. And when your worth feels fragile, risk feels dangerous.

I see this pattern all the time in schools. Some of the most capable kids refuse to try something new unless they're sure they'll succeed.

They've learned that mistakes threaten the image of being the good student. And here's the heartbreaking praise meant to empower them actually boxes them in. So the goal isn't to stop praising. It's to praise differently.

We want to move from evaluation to reflection, from you're amazing to you work so hard on that. Because the kind of praise that builds confidence isn't the kind that inflates the ego.

It's the kind that reinforces resilience and curiosity and effort. Dr. Carol Dweck, a psychologist at Stanford, discovered this pattern years ago, and it completely changed how we understand motivation.

In her research, she found that children praise for being smart were more likely to give up when things got hard, while children praised for their effort, kept trying. It's the difference between thinking I'm good at this and thinking I can get better at this. One mindset leads to fear, the other to growth.

When a child hears you're so smart, they may feel proud in the moment. But deep down they also hear, if I fail, maybe I'm not smart anymore.

So the next time something feels hard, a tough math problem, a challenging sport, or even a social situation, they hesitate. The brain says, better not try. Better to look smart than risk looking wrong.

But when they hear you worked really hard on that or you didn't give up even when it was frustrating, something entirely different happens. The focus shifts from who they are to what they can do.

That tiny shift builds what Dr. Dweck calls a growth mindset, the belief that abilities aren't fixed, they're flexible, that the Brain is like a muscle. The more you challenge it, the stronger it gets. In neuroscience, we see this reflected in the way the brain forms new neural pathways.

Every time a child struggles, problem solves and succeeds. After effort, their brain literally rewires itself. The results? A child receives failure as feedback instead of proof they're not enough.

And that's how we build confidence that lasts. The kind that doesn't disappear when prey stops or someone else performs better. Because confidence rooted in growth isn't dependent on perfection.

It's fueled by progress. So the next time your child struggles and you feel the urge to jump in and reassure, pause, take a moment.

Instead of saying, you're great at this, try, you worked really hard at that. Or you're really sticking with this even though it's tough.

You're not just praising their behavior, you're shaping how their brain responds to the challenge. So now that we understand why certain types of praise backfire, let's talk about what actually works.

I teach parents and teachers a simple three part approach to praise that I call reflective praise. It's designed to shift the focus from approval to awareness.

So your child learns to recognize their own effort and growth, not just your reaction to it. The first step is to praise effort instead of outcome. When your child finishes a puzzle, it's easy to say good job, or you're so good at puzzles.

But that kind of praise shines the spotlight on results, not the process it took to get there. The problem with outcome praise is that it conditions kids to chase success instead of growth.

They start to think, if I don't finish or do it perfectly, maybe it's not worth doing at all. That's how fear of failure starts to take root quietly, through well meaning praise.

Effort based praise, on the other hand, shifts the focus from what they did to how they did it. When you notice and name effort, you're teaching your child that persistence, not perfection, is the goal.

Try saying things like, you kept working on that even when the pieces didn't fit, or you were really focused. I saw you try different ways until it worked. Or even that was tricky, but you didn't give up.

These small moments, tell your child your effort matters. Your hard work is what leads to success. In psychology, this is called process reinforcement.

It's one of the most powerful ways to build intrinsic motivation, that internal drive that keeps the child going even when no one is watching. Think about it like when a child feels proud of how hard they tried, they start to associate pride with effort, not outcome. That's a huge shift.

It's the difference between I'm proud because I won and I'm proud because I didn't give up. And that belief that effort leads to progress. It's what builds grit, confidence and long term motivation. You can think of it like building a muscle.

Each time you highlight effort, you strengthen the neural pathway that says, I can keep going even when it's hard. The more you use that pathway, the stronger it becomes and the easier it gets for your child to push through challenges without fear.

And here's the best part. That kind of praise sticks. The dopamine rush from good job fades in seconds. But the sense of earned pride that lasts.

That's the feeling we want our kids to chase. Not approval, but pride in their own persistence. So the next time your child is struggling, resist the urge to rescue or reassure too quickly.

Instead, notice their effort out loud. You might be surprised how powerful it is to simply say, I can see you're really trying. Sometimes that's all a child needs to keep going.

The second step is to focus on the process, not the person. When we say things like, you're so smart or you're such a good kid, it sounds encouraging and it's meant to be.

But over time, those identity based compliments can actually create pressure. Here's what's happening in the brain. When a child hears you're so smart, their brain links their worth to a trait, something fixed and unchangeable.

The next time they face something hard, they think, if I can't do this easily, maybe I'm not smart after all. That's when anxiety sneaks in. Kids start to protect the label instead of exploring the challenge.

But when you name the process, you're giving them a different message, one rooted in growth and agency. You're saying, what you do matters.

You can influence the outcome that builds self efficacy, which is just a fancy term for confidence that comes from capability. Instead of, you're a great artist, try. I noticed you took your time with the shading. That really adds detail. Instead of, you're so good at math, try.

You found a new way to solve that problem that shows flexible thinking. And instead of, you're such a good kid, try. You made a thoughtful choice when you shared that. That was really kind. See the difference?

One focuses on fixed identity, the other focuses on repeatable action. When you highlight the process, you're showing them exactly what leads to success and how they can do it again next time.

This also helps children handle mistakes better, because when their identity isn't tied to performance, failure doesn't feel like a personal rejection. It just feels like part of learning. In my work with students, I've seen how powerful this shift can be.

One middle schooler told me, I like when people notice what I did. Instead of just calling me smart. It makes me feel like I earned it. That's the essence of a process. Praise.

It helps kids feel ownership for their effort and results. As adults, we know this too.

Think about how it feels when someone says, you're such a natural at your job versus I really admire how you handled the tough situation. You stayed calm and clear. The second one feels better because it recognizes intentional effort, not just talent. Children are no different.

They don't need to be told they are something. They need to be shown what they did that mattered.

That's how you help them build a healthy sense of pride and a realistic sense of control over their own success. So next time your child does something you're proud of, describe the process you saw. You'll see their posture change. They'll stand a little taller.

Not because you made them feel special, but because you helped them see their own strength. The third step, and honestly, my favorite, is to connect praise to values. This is where praise move beyond performance and into character.

It helps kids understand not just what they did, but why it matters. When you connect praise to values, you're shaping identity around qualities like kindness, honesty, persistence, and empathy.

The traits that define who they're becoming, not just what they've achieved. For example, instead of saying, good job helping your sister, try. You were so patient with your sister when she was upset, that showed real kindness.

Instead of, you did your chores, thank you, try. You kept your word and followed through. That's what responsibility looks like. Or instead of, I'm proud you got an A try.

You studied so hard, even when it wasn't easy. That shows discipline and commitment. These small shifts reinforce the effort and integrity that are worth noticing, not just the end results.

And over time, kids begin to anchor their self worth in who they are, not in what they produce. From a psychological standpoint, this kind of praise builds something called internalized motivation.

It's the process by which kids absorb your values and start to act on them not for reward, but because it feels right. When you consistently reflect values back to your child, you're teaching them to find meaning in their actions.

You're saying, you matter not for what you do, but for who you are when you do it. That message builds a sense of moral grounding and emotional security that lasts a lifetime. It also strengthens the bond between you and your child.

Because when your praise highlights character, it tells them, I see your heart. And when a child feels seen for their intentions, not just their outcomes, they trust more deeply.

That trust becomes the foundation for emotional resilience. I've seen this play out in classrooms and homes again and again.

When kids start to hear the language like, that was generous or you showed courage speaking up, they begin to use that language themselves. They'll say things like, I was brave today or I tried to be kind. That's emotional intelligence in action.

You're giving them vocabulary to understand and regulate their inner world. It also changes how they view mistakes.

Instead of thinking, I messed up, I'm bad, they can think, that wasn't my best moment, but I can repair it and do better next time. When values are the focus, behavior corrections stop being about shame and start being about growth.

So to bring this all together, when you reflect effort, name the process and connect it to values, praise becomes more than encouragement. It becomes an identity shaping feedback. You're teaching your child to build confidence that doesn't depend on grades, achievements, or your approval.

You're showing them what it means to live in alignment with their values. And that's something they'll carry with them to every relationship, every classroom, every challenge.

And here's the beautiful when kids start hearing praise tied to values, they begin to internalize those same words for themselves. You'll hear them say things like, that was kind of me or I worked really hard on that. That's not arrogance, that's awareness.

That's the voice of a confident child who's learning to see themselves clearly. By now, you might be thinking, okay, I get it. I'll start praising effort and values. But here's the thing.

Even when we know better, our old patterns of praise sneak back in. Because most of us were raised in homes or classrooms where praise was the main form of encouragement. It's how we learn to feel seen.

So let's talk about a few common mistakes and myths that can trip us up and how to fix them. The first mistake is overpraising everything. This one usually comes from love. We want our kids to feel proud, so we celebrate every small win.

You're amazing. That's perfect. You're the best. But when everything gets big praise, kids stop knowing what actually matters. The praise becomes background noise.

Instead, save your strongest praise for genuine effort, courage or kindness, the moments that required something from them and let everyday tasks stand on their own. Kids don't need applause for brushing their teeth.

They need acknowledgment when they do something hard, like calming down after frustration or trying again after a mistake. Mistake 2 praising results without reflection. It's easy to get caught up in outcomes.

You won the game, you got an A. Outcomes are exciting, but if that's the only thing we celebrate, kids learn that results matter more than the process. The fix Pair every outcome with reflection on the journey. Try saying you won the game. All those extra practice sessions really paid off.

Or that A came from staying focused even when you wanted to quit. You're still acknowledging success, but you're helping the brain connect effort, growth and results. That's the feedback loop we want.

Mistake 3 Using praise as manipulation. Sometimes we use praise to control behavior without realizing it. I love how quietly you're sitting or I'm so proud of you for not crying.

It sounds harmless, but it can teach kids that love or approval is conditioned on compliance. Instead, notice without evaluation. I see you're taking deep breaths. That's helping you calm down. Or you're using your kind voice.

That shows self control. Same message, but it communicates support rather than pressure. Mistake 4 insincere or automatic praise. We've all done this.

We're distracted, scrolling on our phones and we throw out a quick that's great, honey. Without even looking. Kids can tell insincere praise doesn't build connection, it builds confusion.

If you're going to praise, slow down enough to mean it. A single genuine moment of presence, eye contact, a smile. A specific observation teaches more than 100 half hearted compliments.

Let's talk about the myths next. Myth number one is if I don't praise enough, my child will feel unloved. This is a big one. Praise and love are not the same thing.

Love is unconditional. It's warmth, safety, time and attention. Praise is feedback. It's information about what your child just did.

You don't have to fill every silence with praise for your child to feel valued. Often just being there, sharing space and saying I love spending time with you says more than words ever could.

Praising effort means I can't compliment ability. This one isn't true. Either you can absolutely acknowledge ability. Just keep it grounded in context.

You have a great ear for music and and you've practiced a lot to get here. That and in the middle is important. It tells your child that talent and effort work together.

And myth number three, kids should be motivated on their own. Every human being, adults included, thrive on recognition. The goal isn't to remove praise, it's to make praise more meaningful.

When you notice effort, highlight growth and tie it to values. You're not creating dependency. You're building emotional awareness. You're teaching your child to recognize what's worth being proud of.

So if you catch yourself over praising or using old habits, don't panic. This isn't about perfection. It's about awareness.

Every time you shift from automatic praise to thoughtful reflection, you strengthen that connection between you and your child. So as we wrap up today, I want you to take a few deep breaths and remember you're not doing this wrong. Every good job came from love.

What we're doing now is simply refining that love into language that helps your child build confidence from the inside out. Here's what we covered. Praise feels good, but not all praise builds confidence.

When we focus on outcomes, kids learn to chase approval instead of growth. When we highlight effort and process, they start to believe, I can get better.

And when we connect praise to values, they learn that who they are matters even more than what they do. That's how we turn praise into purpose. This week, I want you to try something simple but powerful.

Pick one moment each day to replace a quick good job with a reflective statement.

When your child finishes a chore, instead of saying good job cleaning up, say you stuck with it until everything was done and that shows responsibility. When they draw a picture, you really took your time with those colors. I can tell you worked hard on that.

Or when they handle a tough moment, say you were patient even when it was frustrating. And that takes real self control. At first it might feel a little awkward, but keep at it. This is just like building a muscle.

Each time you give meaningful, reflective praise, you are wiring your child's brain for self, awareness, motivation and resilience. And here's the fun part. Pay attention to how you feel when you do this. You might notice that you slowed down. Observe more and connect more deeply.

Because when praise becomes mindful, it creates presence. And presence is what your child remembers most. And if you catch yourself slipping back into old habits, don't worry.

You don't have to get this perfect. Just notice it and try again next time. Your child doesn't need flawless praise. They need authentic connection.

Every moment you choose awareness over autopilot, you're doing this work beautifully. If today's episode helped you see praise in a new light, share it with another parent who wants to raise confident, resilient kids.

You never know whose home might feel a little calmer because of it. And I'd love to hear how your reflective praise practice goes this week. Tag me on Instagram @raisestrongpodcast or send me a message.

Tell me what you tried and what you noticed in your child's response. I read every message, and your stories remind me that these small shifts really do create big changes.

Next week on Race Strong, we're tackling something every parent knows, too the power struggle. Why they happen, how to stop them before they spiral. And what's going on underneath all that defiance.

It's one of the most common and most misunderstood patterns in parenting, and when you learn to see it differently, you'll find peace in moments that used to feel impossible. You won't want to miss it.

Thanks for listening to Raise Strong. If today's episode helped you see parenting in a new light, share it with a friend or leave a quick review.

It helps other parents find the support they need, too. For more tools and resources, visit raisestrongpodcast.com.

Remember, calm and connection are built one moment at a time. You've got this.