Episode 5 – The Power Struggle Trap: How to Stop the Cycle Before It Starts

If you've ever found yourself arguing with a six year old about wearing pants, you know how exhausting power struggles can be and how fast a simple moment can turn into a full blown battle. You start calm, you give a direction, they say no, you push a little, they push back harder.

And suddenly it feels like the two of you are locked in a tug of war, each pulling for control, each getting more frustrated, and neither one of you actually winning. Here's the part that most parents don't realize. Every power struggle has the same thing underneath.

Two nervous systems trying to feel in control and safe. And the harder we pull on that rope, the tighter the knot becomes. In today's episode, we're breaking down.

What's really going on in those moments, why kids dig in, why adults escalate without meaning to, and most important, how to drop the rope before the power struggle even begins. So cooperation feels natural again.

Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl a school psychologist and parent coach. And every episode blends psychology, empathy and.

Practical tools to support you in raising.

Kids who feel secure, confident and capable.

All.

All while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supportive parents, this is Raise strong.

Years ago, I worked in a residential treatment center for abused and delinquent youth. Kids who carry trauma in their bodies the way most of us carry stress in our shoulders.

One afternoon during dinner, a staff member stopped a boy I'll call Marcus from grabbing an extra ketchup packet. Just ketchup? Marcus asked. Can I have another one? The staff member replied, no, you've had enough. Marcus tried again. It's just ketchup.

Can I please have one more?

At this point, it could have gone a hundred different ways, but instead of seeing a kid trying to meet a small need, the adult interpreted it as a challenge. He stepped closer, his tone shifted and suddenly said, I told you no. Sit down.

Within seconds, Marcus posture changed, his jaw tightened, his breathing sped up. This wasn't disrespect. This was his nervous system saying, I don't feel safe.

But the staff member saw defiance, not fear, and pulled harder on the rope. Sit down. Stop talking. Don't walk away from me all over a ketchup packet. The situation spiraled so fast.

By the time I was called in, Marcus was fully escalated, yelling, pacing and trying to get away. And the staff member was now matching his energy, raised voice, clenched fist, escalating with every second.

What started as a small Moment turned into a physical restraint. The kid ended up on the floor. The staff member felt justified and the whole thing could have been avoided.

When I walked in, I didn't focus on the rules or the catch up. I focused on the connection. I spoke soft and slow. I gave Marcus space. I validated how frustrated he must have felt.

And gradually the intensity dropped. Later, when things were calm, the staff member told me he just wanted to push my buttons. And I remember thinking, no, he wanted autonomy.

You wanted control and you both got stuck in a power struggle. You didn't know how to leave.

That experience stayed with me because it showed how quickly things can escalate when adults interpret a child's needs as a threat to authority. Power struggles aren't about catch up. They're not about chores or bedtime or screen time.

They're about two nervous systems fighting to feel in control and both believing they're losing. In today's episode, I'm going to break down the science behind the power struggles.

Why tiny requests turn into huge battles, why kids dig in so deep, and most important, how you can stop the cycle before it starts. So calm and cooperation replace that tug of war.

To understand why these moments feel so intense and why they escalate so quickly, we need to look at what's happening inside the brain and body during a power struggle. So why did that catch a baket turn into a full blown restraint? Why do simple moments become battlegrounds?

At home, in classrooms and everywhere, kids and adults collide? A power struggle happens when both the adults and the child feel a sense of control slipping.

And underneath every need for control is the need for safety. This is the part that most people never see.

Kids don't escalate because they're trying to win, or because they enjoy pushing buttons, or because they're being difficult. They escalate because in that moment, their nervous system is whispering or sometimes screaming, I don't feel safe. I don't feel understood.

I don't feel in control of myself. Safety doesn't just mean physical safety. It includes emotional safety, relational safety, and predictability.

When a child feels shamed, overpowered, or trapped in a demand they can't meet, their brain interprets it as danger. And when the brain feels danger, behavior becomes survival.

This is why a tiny requestputting away a toy, turning off a tablet, getting in the car can spark an enormous reaction. It's not about the requests. It's about the child feeling like they're losing agency.

A child's instinctive response to losing agency is to regain it often through defiance. Not because they want to fight, but because they want to feel okay again. And the same thing happens inside the adult.

Your nervous system senses you losing control of the situation, and suddenly your own fight or flight kicks in. That's why your voice changes. That's why your chest tightens.

That's why you start lecturing or threatening consequences before you even realize what you're doing. You're not trying to be harsh. You're trying to regain safety, too.

So when two people, one big, one small, both feel unsafe and both try to gain control, the power struggle becomes inevitable. It's not a discipline problem. It's a dysregulation problem.

When a child hears no or feels misunderstood, embarrassed or restricted, their nervous system can interpret that as a threat. Not a physical danger, but a social, emotional one. That threat activates the sympathetic nervous system, the fight or flight response.

Their heart rate increases, their breathing changes, their body tenses. And here's the important part. They're no longer capable of calm logic. They're defending themselves from a feeling, not disobeying a rule.

But adults are no different. When a child pushes back, even over something tiny, like catch up or screen time, our bodies react too.

We might feel disrespected, challenged, or embarrassed. Our heart rate goes up, our jaws tighten, our voices get sharper. That's your nervous system saying, I'm losing control.

So you have two bodies in fight or flight, each trying to get the other to back down. No one's listening. No one's reasoning. It's not the child versus the adult. It's one dysregulated nervous system versus another.

There's another layer, autonomy. Kids need to feel a sense of agency. It's part of a healthy development. When adults demand compliance without connection, kids feel trapped.

And trapped nervous systems don't cooperate. They resist. That's why, because I said so rarely works, the phrase triggers the exact part of the brain that interprets control as a threat.

And the more you push, the more they dig in. Our brains are wired for something called mirror neurons. Cells that reflect the emotional state of the person in front of us.

So when the adult gets loud, more intense, or more rigid, the child's body unconsciously matches it. And guess what? Their intensity reflects back to the adult, too. It's an emotional feedback loop, one that escalates in seconds.

Think of a power struggle like a game of tug of war. The child pulls for autonomy, the adult pulls for control. And here's the key. The only way to win tug of war is to drop the rope.

When the adult stops pulling, the struggle collapses, the nervous system settles, and the child's brain becomes available for connection again. Now, let's talk about something I want every parent, every teacher, every caregiver to hear clearly. Dropping the rope doesn't mean giving in.

It means stepping out of the battle so you can lead instead of react. When you step back from the tug of war, you're not losing authority. You're. You're actually reclaiming it.

Because true authority, the kind kids trust and follow, isn't rooted in dominance. It's rooted in calm, regulated presence. Kids don't follow the loudest leader. They follow the safest one.

When you drop the rope, you're doing something powerful. You're telling your child's nervous system you're not in danger. I'm not an opponent. We can figure this out together.

That single shift moves them from fight or flight to and back into connection. And once their nervous system settles, everything changes. The child becomes more flexible.

They can listen again, they can reason again, and they can cooperate again. Not because you forced them to, but because you created an internal condition where cooperation becomes possible.

This is why calm leadership is so effective. It's not about controlling behavior, it's about regulating the environment. When the adult's nervous system leads, the child's follows.

Power struggles end not through force, not through overpowering the child, not through threats or consequences. Power struggles end through safety, through relationships, through a regulated adult showing the child the way out.

That's not weakness, that's strength. So now that we understand why power struggles happen, the question becomes, how do we drop the rope in real life?

In this next segment, I'll walk you through a simple three step strategy. You can use the moment you feel resistance rising, a way to keep your authority while keeping your calm.

Okay, now that we understand why power struggles happen, let's talk about what to do in the moment when your child says no. When you feel your body tighten, when your sense of tug of war is starting. How do you step out of the battle without giving up your boundaries?

I teach parents a simple three step approach called step back, breathe, rejoin. It works because it helps you regulate yourself first, connect with your child second, and guide the situation third.

In other words, safety to connection to direction. Let's break it down. The first step is to step back physically, mentally, or both.

This doesn't mean walking away permanently or ignoring the situation. It simply means giving your nervous system a moment to downshift. When you pause before reacting, you send a powerful signal. I'm not your opponent.

I'm not here to do battle. It communicates safety. And safety is what ends the power struggle, not force.

Stepping back can look like turning your body slightly to the side, softening your shoulders, lowering your voice, or taking a small step away to break the intensity. This also gives the child space to breathe. Literally, when you move out of that looming adult posture, their nervous system gets room to settle.

Think of this as dropping the rope you're choosing not to pull. You're saying, we're not doing tug of war right now. The second step is to breath. Not because it's trendy, but because it's biology.

When you slow your breathing, you activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which is the part of your body that says, we're safe. And kids pick up on that instantly. Their regulation comes from yours. Try a simple breathing pattern. Let's like slow inhale, even slower exhale.

Or the psychological sigh. Quick inhale, a shorter second inhale, then a long exhale. This isn't about calming the child. This is about calming you.

Because you can't lead someone out of the storm if you're standing in it with them. When your shoulders drop, when your voice softens, when your eyes soften, your child's brain reads that as information.

It's the emotional version of saying, it's okay, we can handle this. And here's the key. If you respond from regulation, your child's nervous system follows your lead.

Once you've stepped back and regulated, now, you can rejoin the moment. But from a place of leadership instead of reactivity. This is where two powerful tools come. Connection and choice. So rejoin with connection.

Start by naming what you see. You're frustrated. You really wanted that. Stopping is hard when you're having fun. This isn't giving in. It's co regulation.

It tells your child, I see you. You're not alone in this. And nothing calms the nervous system faster than feeling. Understood.

Once you've connected with the feelings, the next step is to guide your child back into cooperation by offering a choice. And I want to be very clear, this isn't a trick. It's not manipulation.

It's a way of giving a child a small, healthy sense of control so the nervous system can settle enough to follow your lead. Why choice works. When kids feel backed into a corner, their body reacts as if they need to defend themselves.

But when you offer a choice, even a tiny one, their brain shifts from threat to agency. It moves them from you can't make me to. I get a say in what happens. Next.

That shift increases flexibility, reduces defensiveness, and restores connection. What good choices sound like the key is to keep choices simple and predictable. Two clear options, both acceptable to you. You need to get dressed.

Blue shirt or green one? It's time to clean up blocks or books first. We're leaving in two minutes. Walk to the car or skip to the car. Homework time. Start with reading or math.

See how that or does a lot of the heavy lifting. Offering a choice does not mean your child is running the show. You're still setting the boundaries. You're still the leader.

But instead of dragging them through the moment, you're inviting them into it. Healthy power sharing builds trust, and trust is what reduces power struggles over time. One more note.

Giving a structured choice is not the same as negotiating. Negotiating is bending the rules to avoid a meltdown. Offering choice is holding the boundary while letting your child choose how to move toward it.

Those choices act like an emotional on ramp back to cooperation. From your child's perspective, choice changes everything. They stop feeling push and start feeling partnered. They sense your calm.

They sense your respect. And their body responds with more openness and less resistance. So imagine the next time you feel that tug of war starting. Your child says no.

Your chest tightens and you feel that urge to lecture. Instead, you step back to drop the rope. You breathe to regulate your body. And you rejoin in the moment with connection and choice.

It's calm leadership, not control. And calm leadership changes everything. Up next, I want to talk to you about the most common traps adults fall into during the power struggle.

The things that unintentionally escalate the situation. And more important, how to avoid them so you can stay in the role of steady, confident guide.

Now that we've covered how to step out of the power struggle, I want to talk about some of the most common traps adults fall into. The things we do with good intentions that actually make the struggles worse. And none of this is about blame. These traps are normal.

They're human, and they show up for every parent and every teacher I've ever worked with. Once you can recognize them, you can step around them instead of getting pulled in. The first trap is matching your child's intensity.

You raise your voice because they're yelling. You repeat the direction louder because they aren't listening. You tighten up because they tighten up. But here's the problem.

When you match their emotional energy, you're feeding the escalation. Their nervous system sees your intensity as a threat, and the struggle instantly deepens. What to do instead? Lower your tone.

Slow your Pace, soften your body. It tells your child's brain, you can come down now. I'm not here to fight. Trying to teach reason or explain.

When your child is in fight and flight, this usually sounds like you know better than this. We've talked about this a thousand times. Calm down and listen. But the brain can't learn when it's dysregulated. So here's what you do instead.

Save the teaching for later. After the child feels safe again in the moment. Regulate first, connect second, guide third.

And if you try to teach before safety, your words won't land. Trap 3 is offering too many choices, or offering choices you don't actually intend to honor.

When you get five different options or open ended questions like, well, what do you want to do? It overwhelms the child and can stall the moment even more. False choices are another problem.

Saying things like do you want me to do your homework now? Or lose screen time? That's not a choice, that's a threat dressed up like a choice.

So what to do instead is stick to two simple structured options and make sure both are genuinely acceptable to you. Real choices build autonomy. Fake choices build resentment. Trap 4 is one of the hardest, taking the behavior personally.

When your child yells no or rolls their eyes or refuses, it's easy for your brain to interpret that as disrespect. But in 99% of power struggles, the behavior is not about you. It's about your child's nervous system trying to protect itself. Let me repeat that.

It's not about you. It's about your child's emotional safety. Remind yourself this is communication, not an attack.

That thought shifts you out of defensiveness and back into leadership. And the last trap is correcting too soon. Jumping straight into consequences or directions before the child feels safe enough to take them in.

This often looks like. Stop it right now. Don't talk to me like that. If you don't listen, here's what's going to happen.

But correction without connection almost always triggers resistance. Here's what to do instead. Lead with connection. Validate the feeling. Offer a choice and hold the boundary with warmth.

Once the child feels safe, then you can guide and the guidance actually sticks. In the final segment, I'm going to give you this week's challenge a simple way to practice dropping the rope in real life.

And I'll show you how even one tiny shift can change the entire tone of your home. Alright, as we wrap up today, I want to give you something simple you can try this week. Something small, something doable.

And something that will shift the entire tone of your home. Sometime this week, you're going to feel power struggles. Starting it may be over shoes or screen time or brushing teeth or getting in the car.

Honestly, it usually shows up at the least convenient time. But when you feel that moment, your chest tighten, your voice wanting to jump a little louder. Your child bracing themselves.

I want you to try one thing. Drop the rope. Even just once. Take one step back. Take one slow breath. Name the feeling you're seeing. Then offer a simple, concrete choice.

Here are some examples. You're frustrated that the game ended. Do you want to walk or hop to the table? You really want more time?

Do you want to turn it off yourself or should I press the button? You're tired and getting ready is hard. Do you want to put your shoes on in the hallway or by the door?

Remember, you're not changing the boundary, you're changing the energy. You're stepping out of the tug of war so your child doesn't have to keep pulling. As you try this, pay attention to three things. First, your body.

Does stepping back soften something in you? Second, your child's body. Do you see their shoulders drop? Their breathing change? Their tone shift? And third, the outcome.

Does the moment resolve faster or with less conflict than usual? These small shifts matter because when your child learns that they don't have to fight you to feel safe, their behavior begins to change.

I would love to hear how this goes for you. Specifically, send me a message or tag me on Instagram @raisestrongpodcast and tell me about the moment you dropped the rope and what you noticed.

Your stories help other parents feel less alone, and they help me shape future episodes and resources that meet your real world challenges.

If you want some quick ready to use phrases that make power struggles less likely in the first place, you can download my free guide @alexandersonkahl.com/start-here or just check the resource section in today's show notes next week on Raise Strong, we're going to talk about something every parent faces when your child's big feelings trigger your own. Why their fears or anger can awaken your own fear and anger and what to do when their emotions start overwhelming you.

It's one of the most important conversations we'll have and I hope you'll join me. Thanks for listening today. Remember, calm leadership isn't about being perfect. It's about choosing connection over control. One moment at a time.

You're doing important work and I'm proud of you being here.

Thanks for listening to Raise Strong. If today's episode helped you see parenting.

In a new light.

Share it with a friend or leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the support they need, too.

For more tools and resources, visit raisestrongpodcast.com Remember, calm and connection are built one.

Moment at a time.

You've got this.