Episode 6 – Navigating the Storm: Understanding Your Triggers as a Parent

There's a moment every parent knows. Your child starts crying, screaming, or falling apart, and something inside you tightens. Maybe it's like panic, maybe anger, maybe shame.

And even though you love your child, their emotions feel bigger than you can handle. Today, we're talking about that moment, the one that scares you, and what to do when your child's feelings activate something deep inside you.

Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl a school psychologist and parent coach. And every episode blends psychology, empathy, and.

Practical tools to support you in raising.

Kids who feel secure, confident, and capable, all while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supportive parents. This is Raise Strong.

A few months ago, I was talking with a mom. I'll call Sarah. She told me about a moment that still made her stomach twist when she thought about it.

Her daughter had come home from school overwhelmed, already on edge. Within minutes, she melted down. Tears, yelling, the whole thing. At first, Sarah tried to stay calm.

She said the right things, took a breath, tried to be patient. But her daughter kept spiraling. And then something shifted in Sarah. She felt heat rise in her chest. Her jaw tightened. Her voice snapped.

And before she knew it, anger had taken over. She raised her voice. Her daughter yelled back, and at some point, Sarah just shut down. She walked away, closed herself off, and went silent.

She told me, I didn't help her. I didn't regulate myself. I just froze and shut her out because I was so angry. And the second I did it, I knew I'd made everything worse.

And she was right. Silence is not calm. Silence in moments of distress can feel like a punishment to a child. It communicates. When your feelings get too big, I pull away.

But here's the part I want you to hear with so much compassion. Sarah was not trying to hurt her child. She was overwhelmed. Her body was overwhelmed. Her daughter's big emotions activated something deep inside her.

Her nervous system interpreted that moment as danger. And the anger that came out of her body saying, help me. This is too much. A boundary is being crossed, and I don't know what to do.

This is the moment we're going to talk about today. Not the meltdown, not the behavior, but the internal activation that happens inside you.

Because when big feelings scare you, it's not your child's sadness or anger that's the danger. It's the reaction inside your body. And once you understand what that reaction means, you can respond to support.

Instead of shutting down or exploding. So let's talk about these three big emotional triggers that show up in almost every fear, anger, and shame.

What they really mean, why they hit so fast, and how to start calming them in that moment.

Now that we have named the moment when your child's big feelings activate something inside you, let's talk about the three emotional states that show up most often for fear, anger, shame. Every parent experiences some combination of these. There's nothing wrong with you when they show up. These emotions are not character flaws.

They are nervous system responses. Fear is the most primal trigger we have. It comes online before you even realize it's happening.

When your child starts crying or screaming, your brain scans the environment for danger. It looks at your child's distress and thinks, something's wrong. I need to react. Your eyes widen to take in more information.

Your heart races as blood pumps to your arms and legs. This prepares you to run or fight. Your breathing becomes shallow. Your thoughts get scattered. This is not you failing.

This is your nervous system doing exactly what it's designed to do. It's just activating at the wrong time. When fear takes over, you might freeze, feel overwhelmed, or shut down emotionally.

You may even withdraw from your child. Not because you don't care, but because your brain is trying to keep you safe. We'll talk more about how fear in a future episode.

But for now, remember, your child's meltdown is not a threat. Your nervous system just hasn't learned that yet. Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions in parenting.

So many parents think anger means they're failing, but anger is actually a request. Is your body saying, help me, I feel overwhelmed or a boundary has been crossed?

When your child's emotions become intense or they say something hurtful or refuse to listen, your body may interpret that as loss of control. And a loss of control feels unsafe. So anger steps in to protect you. It creates energy. It pulls your focus forward.

It tries to help you regain stability. Anger is not the problem. Not understanding what anger is trying to tell you is the problem.

When anger takes over, parents often snap, yell, or shut down. But beneath the anger, there's usually something softer. Fear. Sadness. Feeling unprepared. Feeling disrespected. Feeling alone.

Your anger is saying, I need to support you too. We're going to unpack this in its own episode because learning to read your anger is one of the most transformative skills you can build.

The third one is shame. Shame is the emotional trigger that hits you the hardest and lingers the longest.

It's that voice that says I'm not enough or I should be doing this better. Shame shows up when your child melts down in public, when you lose your patience, or when you compare yourself to other parents.

Shame is powerful because it attacks identity. Fear says something bad is happening. Anger says I need help. Shame says I'm the problem. But here's the truth.

Shame is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It's a sign that you care deeply about being a good parent and you feel like you're falling short. When shame shows up, parents often pull away.

They disconnect from themselves and from their child. They might go silent. They might freeze. They might avoid eye contact. Shame does not calm a moment. Shame shuts it down.

And that shutdown can feel just as overwhelming to a child as yelling again. We'll do a full episode on shame because it deserves time and compassion. But for now, remember, shame is not your truth. It's your stress response.

Fear, anger, and shame all show up for a reason. They are not failures. They are signals from your nervous system asking for support.

When you understand what these emotions mean, you stop fighting them and start listening to them. And when you can listen to what is happening inside you, you can show up for your child in a completely different way.

Now that we have talked about fear, anger and shame, I want to take a moment to explain what's actually happening inside your brain and body when these emotions take over. This part is important because once you understand the science, you stop blaming yourself and start seeing these reactions for what they are.

Learn patterns your body is trying to protect with you. When your child has a big feeling, your brain does something called neuroception. It scans the moment it asks without you thinking about it.

Am I safe or am I in danger? This happens in a fraction of a second.

If the brain thinks there's any kind of threat, your amygdala, which is responsible for detecting danger, fires first. Your body reacts. Before your rational brain even wakes up, you feel this reaction in your body.

Your heart rate rises, your breathing changes, your muscles tighten, your thoughts start racing or going blank, and your vision widens to take in more of the environment. This is happening whether the threat is real or not. Your brain does not distinguish between a charging lion or a screaming 4 year old.

It only knows intensity. There are four common reasons parents get triggered by big feelings. Most parents fall into more than one. The first is attachment theory.

Your nervous system learned how to respond to big emotions long before you became a parent. If you grew up in a home where emotions were ignored, punished or overwhelmed, Your body learned that big feelings mean danger.

So now, when your child is upset, your body pulls from an old template. You react to their feelings the same way your body reacted to yours. This is not conscious. It's a learned survival pattern.

The second is sensory overload. Parents get overwhelmed not just emotionally, but physically. The noise, the crying, the chaos, the proximity.

For many adults, especially those with sensitive nervous systems, the sensory input alone is enough to trigger a stress response.

If your child is yelling in a small space or crying right next to you, your body reacts to the sensory intensity before you even have a chance to decide how you want to respond. The third is fear of losing control. For many parents, the scariest part of a meltdown is the feeling of losing control.

If you believe you have to manage everything perfectly for things to go well, then your child's emotions feel like a threat to stability.

That fear of spiraling, of the moment getting bigger, of not being able to bring it back down, activates the exact same nervous system pathways as physical danger. Your anger or panic is often your brain's attempt to pull the situation back into control. And the fourth one is the shame narratives.

When your child melts down, your brain may automatically jump to shame stories like, this is my fault. I should know how to fix this. Good parents do this better. I am failing. Shame shows up quickly because it attacks worth, not behavior.

And when you feel shame, you disconnect from yourself and from your child. This makes regulation harder and the moment more overwhelming.

So when you feel fear, anger, or shame during your child's big emotions, nothing is wrong with you. Your brain is not broken. You are not failing.

Your body is simply trying to protect you based on old memories, sensory overload, or a fear or narrative that feels real in the moment. The work is not to eliminate these emotions. The work is to understand them so you can support your nervous system through them.

So now the question becomes, what do you actually do when one of these emotions hits you in the middle of your child's meltdown? In this next segment, I'll walk you through the simple, practical way to steady your body and find your footing again.

So now that we know why fear, anger, and shame show up during your child's big feelings, the next question is, what do you actually do in the moment when one of these emotions hits you? Your child is melting down, your body is tightening. You feel that surge inside you, and you know you're about to react in a way you might regret.

This is where you need a plan that helps your body settle first. Because your child cannot Regulate until you do. We'll use the reset method. Pause, name support.

This is a simple three part technique I teach to parents. It works because it interrupts your automatic reaction and helps your nervous system find its way back to safety. Step one is to pause your body.

When fear, anger or shame shows up. The first thing to do is pause. Not emotionally shut down, not storming off, but give your body a moment to stop the automatic reaction.

Your pause might look like Turning slightly to the side, loosening your shoulders, unclenching your jaw, letting your hands rest at your sides, or planting your feet on the floor. This pause interrupts the nervous system's survival loop and tells your body that you do not have to act in emotions right now.

It puts space between the feeling and the reaction. The second step is to name what you feel. Once you pause, name the emotion you are experiencing. This is not about analyzing, it's about anchoring.

You might say silently in your mind. I feel scared, I feel angry, I feel ashamed, I feel overwhelmed, and my body is tightening.

Naming the feeling pulls you out of the emotional brain and into the thinking brain. It reconnects you with yourself. It gives shape to what you're experiencing. So it stops running the show when you name it.

You are not controlled by it. You are observing it. You are tending to it. Step three is to support your nervous system. This is where you help your body settle.

Your child's not ready for your guidance until your nervous system is steady again. There are a few quick ways to support yourself in this moment. The first is breathing for safety.

Slow, controlled breathing signals your body that you are not in danger. One method is a physiological sigh. It's an inhale. Take a quick second inhale and a long exhale. Do that twice.

This reduces the intensity of fear and anger within seconds. The next one is grounding through your senses. Press your feet into the floor. Feel your hands. Notice one thing you can see.

These small grounding cues can steady you faster than you expect and relax your face and shoulders. When your face softens, your voice softens. And when your voice softens, your child's nervous system softens too.

So putting the reset method into action. Imagine your child is screaming and you feel anger rising in your chest. In that moment, you pause. You name it. I feel angry.

This is my body asking for help. You support yourself with a breath or a grounding technique. Your body drops out of survival mode. Now you're ready to lead.

When you regulate your nervous system, you give your child something powerful. You give them safety. Your body becomes the anchor in the storm.

Next, we're going to talk about the most common mistakes parents make when they are triggered and what to do instead so you can keep your connection with your child even on the hardest days. Mistake number one is trying to fix the child instead of calming yourself. When your child is melting down, it's natural to want the behavior to stop.

Your brain thinks, if I can calm them, I will feel better. But the truth is the opposite. You cannot calm your child when your own body is still activated.

When parents jump straight into teaching, correcting, explaining or redirecting, the child feels the adult's dysregulation. It communicates, this moment is not safe. That makes the emotions bigger, not smaller. A better approach is to calm your body first.

Your child cannot anchor to you until you are anchored to yourself. Mistake number two is believing the emotions mean something is wrong with you. This happens a lot with shame.

Parents think, if I were a better parent, I would not feel this way, or this reaction means I am failing. But the emotion is not the problem. Your interpretation of the emotion is the problem.

When you feel shame and then judge yourself for feeling shame, the emotion doubles in intensity. Your nervous system goes into collapse mode. A better approach is when shame shows up. Notice it with compassion.

You can tell yourself, this feeling means, I care. It does not mean I'm a bad parent. That small reframe can keep you connected to your child instead of shutting down.

Mistake number three is using disconnection as a coping strategy. This often looks like the silent treatment, walking away abruptly or emotionally freezing.

Parents do this because their nervous system is overwhelmed and they need a break. But for a child in distress, that disconnect feels like abandonment. Silence is not the same as calm. Calm is regulating.

Silence from a dysregulated adult is withdrawing. A better approach is to take space if you need it, but stay relational. You can say, I am feeling overwhelmed.

I'm going to take a moment and then I'll come back to you. This keeps the door open for connection again. Mistake four is matching the child's intensity. When a child escalates, the adult often escalates too.

The voice rises, the posture stiffens, the energy gets bigger. This is the mirror neuron at work. Your body reacts to theirs. But when you match a child's intensity, the nervous system reads that moment is danger.

You might win the moment, but you lose the relationship. A better approach is to talk softer, move slower, take a breath before speaking. Your body becomes a signal that the moment is safe.

And mistake five is expecting yourself to stay calm. All the time. This is the perfection trap. Parents tell themselves I should be calm, patient, and grounded every time.

And when they are not, the shame spiral begins. But being calm 100% of the time is impossible. Even the most regulated adults get triggered. Your goal is not perfection. Your goal is recovery.

A better approach is when you notice yourself slipping. That's cue to reset. Pause. Name what you're feeling, support your nervous system, then reconnect.

So we've talked about what triggers you, how to support yourself, and the most common mistakes that make hard moments even harder. In the last part of this episode, I want to give you a simple challenge for the week.

Something small but powerful that will help you build emotional safety in your home. Because the more you understand your own triggers, the more the more calm leadership you bring into every moment with your child.

So as we wrap up today, I want to leave you with something simple. Something small enough that you can actually do it, but powerful enough to make a real difference in your home.

Your challenge this week is to pay attention to the first moment your body reacts when your child has a big feeling. Do not change anything yet. Do not try to fix it. Just notice it. Notice how anger shows up in your body. Notice how fear shows up.

Notice when shame hits and you start to turn inward. You might feel heat in your chest. You might feel your shoulders rise. You might feel your stomach drop.

You might want to yell or shut down or walk away. That first reaction is your nervous system speaking to you. And once you can notice it, you can work with it.

If you want to go a step further after you notice the reaction, gently name it. I feel scared right now. I feel angry and overwhelmed. I feel ashamed and disconnected. Naming the emotion does not make it bigger.

It makes it understandable. It brings the thinking brain back online. And if you want to take one more step, use the reset method from earlier. Pause.

Name what you feel, support your nervous system, then come back to your child when your body is ready to lead. Before we end, I want to remind you of something important. Your child's big emotions are not a reflection of your failure.

They are an invitation for connection. And your triggers are not flaws. They are old survival patterns that are asking for support.

You do not have to be perfect to raise a calm and emotionally secure child. You just have to be willing to understand yourself a little more each day. Every time you pause instead of react, you change the story.

Every time you take a breath, you teach your child something about safety. And every time you come back after a hard moment, you show them what repair really looks like you are doing more good than you realize.

You are growing, your child feels it, and your nervous system is learning too. If you want more support in calming triggers and preventing power struggles, I have a free guide with simple phrases you can use in the moment.

You can find it at alexandersonkahl.com/start-here or just check the resources linked in the show notes and if this episode helped you breathe a little easier, share it with another parent who deserves that same relief.

Next week on Raise Strong, we're going to talk about how to build the space in your home where big feelings are actually welcome and workable, not something to fear or shut down.

The episode is called Building a Safe Space that Actually Works, and we'll walk through what to say, what to avoid, and how to create an environment where your child's nervous system can truly exhale. I hope you'll join me.

Thanks for listening to Raise Strong. If today's episode helped you see parenting.

In a new light, share it with.

A friend or leave a quick review. It helps other parents find the support they need too.

For more tools and resources, visit raisestrongpodcast.com Remember, calm and connection are built one.

Moment at a time.

You've got this.