Episode 8 – The Magic of Repair: What to Do After a Hard Parenting Moment

If you have ever gone to bed replaying a moment you wish you had handled differently, you are not alone. Every parent has a day where their patience runs out, their voice got sharper than they wanted, or they withdrew when their child needed them most.

And here's the truth you may not hear often enough. Those moments don't define you, and they do not define your relationship. You are not failing. You are learning. Just like your child is learning.

The real magic is what you do next.

Repair is the tool that brings you back together after the hard moments, strengthens trust, and shows your child what love looks like when things are imperfect. And today, I'm going to teach you how to repair in a way that truly heals the moment and brings you closer than before.

Welcome to Raise Strong, the podcast that helps you transform parenting from daily battles into deeper connection. I'm Alex Anderson-Kahl, a school psychologist and parent coach, and every episode blends psychology, empathy, and.

Practical tools to support you in raising.

Kids who feel secure, confident, and capable, all while helping you rediscover your own calm and joy as a parent. Because strong kids start with supported parents. This is Raise Strong.

I want to start today off with a story that might feel familiar. A mom I worked with, I'll call her Sarah, came to me after a night she could not stop thinking about.

It had been one of those evenings that seemed to unravel. Out of nowhere, her child was refusing to brush their teeth. They were overtired and bouncing between the silly and defiant.

And her own patience, already thin from the long day, finally snapped. She yelled. Not just a little. She yelled in a way that surprised even her.

The kind of yell that fills the room and fills your chest with heat before you even understand what's happening. Her child froze. Their eyes widened, and in that moment, Sarah felt the shame hit her like a wave.

So she did what many parents do when they feel overwhelmed and afraid of doing more damage. She shut down. She went quiet. She avoided eye contact. She finished her bedtime routine on autopilot.

After her children fell asleep, she sat on the couch, replaying the moment again and again. The yelling, the stillness, the look on her child's face. She knew she had not shown up. In a way, she wanted to. She wanted to fix it.

But she didn't know how. The next morning, her child woke up acting distant. Small, subtle things. Not wanting to make eye contact, not asking her her usual questions.

Keeping a little space where closeness usually lived. Sara told me, I think that made everything worse. I do not know how to come back from this here's what I told her, and I want you to hear it today.

This moment was not the end of the relationship. It was a rupture. And ruptures are part of being human. What matters most is the repair that follows. Repair is not pretending last night didn't happen.

It's not giving a lecture or over apologizing. It's about coming back into connection in a way that tells your child three things. You still matter to me. You are safe with me.

We can get through hard moments together. And that's exactly what Sarah did. Later that morning, she sat beside her child and said, I was feeling overwhelmed last night. And I yelled.

That must have felt scary. I'm sorry. You do not deserve that. I'm here now, and we are okay. Her child leaned in. They softened. They reconnected.

Because repair is not about perfection. It's about returning. Today's episode is about the return.

What it is, why it matters, and how to do it in a way that heals the moment instead of reopening it. So let's talk about what repair actually is, because this is one of the most important skills in all of parenting.

And the beautiful thing is you do not need to be perfect to use it. In fact, repair only exists because none of us can be perfect. In attachment research, the goal has never been perfect parenting.

Dr. Edward Tronick, a leading developmental psychologist, found that parents get it right about 30% of the time. 30. And yet children still form secure, healthy attachments. Why? Because of repair.

What happens is that after the moments of misattunement, rupture, or frustration, the parent comes back to reconnect. Repair tells your child, our relationship can withstand hard moments.

That message builds trust, confidence, and emotional resilience in a way that never making mistakes could. Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, often reminds us the ruptures are not just tolerable, they are opportunities.

When you repair after a hard moment, you're actually strengthening your child's capacity for emotional regulation and relational safety. You're showing them that a relationship can bend without breaking. There's also a neuroscience element here.

When a rupture happens, the child's nervous system shifts into stress response. Their heart rate increases, their body tenses, and the emotional centers of the brain take over.

But when you return with warmth, presence, and accountability, their nervous system receives cues for safety. These cues come from your tone, your facial expression, your body posture, and even your proximity.

Repair is the moment the threat response turns off and the connection systems turn back on. And here's something I really want you to. Child does not expect you to be calm all the time.

They expect you to return because the return is what actually teaches them. Big feelings, conflict and mistakes are survivable. Think about that for a second.

Every time you repair, you're rewiring your child's understanding of relationships. You're teaching them, I can make mistakes and still be loved. Hard moments do not mean the relationship is in danger.

We can go through conflict and still come back to each other. These lessons become the foundation of secure attachment.

They also go on the blueprint your child carries into friendships, school, and eventually adult relationships. Repair also models something powerful for your child. It shows them what emotional accountability looks like. Not shame, not self blame. Accountability.

The ability to say, I did not show up in the way I wanted to, but I can do better now. That is an incredible skill for a child to grow up seeing, modeled. And here's another important truth.

Repair does not excuse the behavior that happened before it. It integrates, helps both of you learn from it. It turns a reactive moment into a relational moment.

So when you think about repair, I want you to think about it as a bridge back to connection. It's the moment that heals. The rupture calms the nervous system, teaches emotional intelligence and restores trust.

Repair is not a step you add to parenting. Repair is a part of parenting. Now that we know what repair is and why it matters, I want to give you a practical way to do it.

A way that brings you and your child back together without creating shame, fear or pressure. I call this the repair method. It's simple, it's repeatable, and it works because it follows how the nervous system heals.

R stands for regulating yourself first before anything else. You regulate you because if you enter the repair moment while you are still tense, guilty or activated, your child will feel it.

Take a breath, relax your shoulders. Slow your voice. Remind yourself this is about reconnection, not perfection.

When you regulate first, you send the clearest message your child can receive. You are safe to come close again. You cannot guide a dysregulated child while your own nervous system is still in defense mode.

Your calm opens the door for connection. E is for empathize with your experience. Next, name what they might have felt during the moment.

Not to revisit the chaos, but to acknowledge the emotional impact. This sounds. Last night felt really overwhelming. It seems scary. When I yell, you look unsure what to do. Empathy softens the space between you.

It tells your child, I saw you. Your feelings make sense. This alone often brings a visible release in a child's body.

When you empathize, you're helping them organize the emotional experience that their brain cannot handle alone. P is for participate in accountability. This step is not about shaming yourself or over apologizing.

It's about modeling responsibility in a calm, gradual, grounded way. You might say, I did not handle that moment the way I wanted to. I yelled and that was not helpful. I wish I had slowed down before reacting.

Short, clear, honest. You are showing your child what healthy accountability looks like without putting emotional weight on them. Accountability builds trust.

It shows your child that love and responsibility can still exist together. A is for acknowledging the impact. This is where you validate how your child was affected. Not guessing, not assuming.

You simply acknowledged a possible emotional ripple. I imagine that felt confusing. I can see why that makes you upset. That might have felt really big for you. You are not taking blame for their feelings.

You are opening a safe space for them to express what was true for them. This tells their nervous system your experience is real and important. I is for invite reconnection. This is the heart of repair.

You gently open the door back to closeness. Depending on your child's temperament, this can sound like, can we sit together for a minute? Do you want a hug? Would you like to read together?

I am here if you want to be close. Some kids move towards connection right away. Others need a little time. Both are okay. The invitation tells them that the relationship is safe.

You are not forcing a connection, you are offering it. Lastly, R is for rehearse a new path forward. This is where repair becomes transformational. You help your child.

Imagine what you both can do differently next time. Not a lecture. Not a list of rules. A rehearsal. Next time we both feel overwhelmed, maybe we can take a breath together.

If I start to sound frustrated, I might take a short pause. When things feel big for you, we can go back to your safe space before we talk.

This step teaches the brain a new script so the next moment is easier, not harder. Rehearsal builds skills. Repair builds trust. Together, they shape behavior far more effectively than punishment ever could.

Now that you have a roadmap for repair, I want to talk about a few common mistakes. These are things that can accidentally shut down the repair moment. Even when you're trying your best.

Knowing them ahead of time will make the process feel easier and more natural. Even with the best intentions. There are a few common mistakes parents make during repair. These mistakes do not mean you're doing anything wrong.

They simply mean that you are human and learning. Knowing them ahead of time helps you avoid accidentally shutting down the repair moment. Mistake number one is trying to repair too quickly.

When a parent feels guilty, they often rush the repair. They want to fix the moment right away. But if your child is still overwhelmed or you are still activated, the repair will not land.

Repair requires regulation. Regulation requires time. Give space when needed. Come back when both nervous systems have settled. This is when connection becomes possible.

Mistake number two is turning the repair into a lecture. Parents often try to teach the repair moment because the guilt makes them want to explain.

But explanation can feel like pressure to a child who's still emotionally tender. If you hear yourself saying a lot of words, pause. Repair is not the time to outline rules, consequences, or lessons. Repair is the time to reconnect.

Teaching can happen later, when everyone is calm. Mistake three is over apologizing. Some parents apologize so intensely that the emotional weight shifts onto the child.

The child starts to feel responsible for the parent's guilt, which can create anxiety. A child should never feel like they need to comfort you. A calm, brief, grounded apology is enough.

You are modeling accountability, not seeking forgiveness. Mistake four is expecting immediate forgiveness or warmth. Sometimes you repair and your child still feels hesitant or distant.

This does not mean the repair failed. It means that they are still processing. Children often need a little time to settle their bias before reopening emotionally. Trust the process.

You are opening the door. Your child will step through when they are ready. Mistake number five is jumping straight to discipline before reconnecting.

If you move into correction too soon, the child's brain only hears the threat, not the guidance. Correction requires a regulated child. Regulation requires connection. Repair first, teach later.

Mistake 6 is blaming yourself instead of leaning forward. Some parents use repair to criticize themselves in front of their child. I'm such a bad parent. I never get this right. I always mess it up.

This creates emotional confusion for the child. They shift into caretaking or defensiveness. Repair is not about punishing yourself. Repair is about modeling, growth, responsibility and confidence.

Your child needs your leadership, not your self. Blame and mistake number seven is skipping repair because of shame. This is the most common mistake of all.

When parents feel ashamed of their reactions, they sometimes avoid the repair moment entirely. They hope everyone moves on. But silence is not neutrality. Silence leaves the rupture unhealed. Your child notices. Your child remembers.

Your child needs the reassurance that things are okay again. Repair is not about returning to the past. Repair is about shaping the future.

Remember, your child is learning how to handle mistakes by watching how you handle them.

So now that you know how repair works and what to avoid, I want to give you one small practice that can transform the way you reconnect with your child after a hard moment as we close today, I'm going to give you one small, powerful practice. Repair does not need to be dramatic or scripted. It just needs to be honest and connected.

At some point this week, choose one moment where you are shorter, sharper, or more reactive than you wanted to be. It doesn't have to be a meltdown. It could be a sigh, a frustrated tone, a moment of pulling away. Then practice a simple 20 second repair.

You might say, earlier today I sounded frustrated. That was about me, not you. I'm sorry, you matter to me and we are okay. Or I was overwhelmed. I shut down. That can feel confusing. I'm here now.

Or even I wish I handled that differently. Thank you for talking with me now. Short, gentle, grounded, these small repairs teach your child that hard moments do not threaten the relationship.

They build emotional safety one moment at a time. Remember, this repair is not about undoing the moment, it's about healing it.

It shows your child what love looks like in real life, not just in ideal moments. And it teaches on the most important relational skill of we can come back together.

Before we wrap up, I want to ask you one small favor that makes a huge difference for the show. If today's episode helped you take a breath or gave you something meaningful to try, please take this moment to like, subscribe or leave a review.

It helps more parents find these tools and join the community of calm, connected parenting. And next week, we're going to talk about something that can completely shift the way your day feels. It's called anticipation.

Most meltdowns and power struggles are predictable when you know what signs to look for.

In episode nine, called the Power of How to Prevent Meltdowns before they start, I'll teach you the small steps that make big feelings easier to navigate before they even show up. I hope you'll join me for that one.

Thanks for listening to Raise Strong. If today's episode helped you see parenting in a new light, share it with a friend or leave a quick review.

It helps other parents find the support they need too. For more tools and resources, visit raisestrongpodcast.com Remember, calm and connection are built one.

Moment at a time.

You've got this.